Saturday, January 4, 2014

A little crumble

           I don't know how people survive death of loved once. I sure can't. And by survive i mean move on. I see how the physical body can prevail, walk, talk, feed itself, force a smile, but there is a hole in the heart a size of a planet. If the physical is so transcendent then why do we miss all of the physical so much when one passes away to another destination (hopefully). I miss so many things, the warmth, the cuddles, the little pink, white, grey bundle of playful joy. He was my therapy, he was my love and i gave all of mine to him. Yes, i am talking about my cat Apis. I haven't open this can of sorrow yet, I have shoved it deep inside of me for about 6 month now partly because i cant even thing about it without my chest splitting in half and party because i feel so guilty for leaving him with people that didn't give a crap about him. I should have put him in a shelter where he would be safe. I should have taken him with me. I should have told those people to NOT open the doors more, even though they probably would have anyway. I should have saved him and in doing so saved myself. I cant stop the pain, i just cant. It takes me by surprise that my grandma passed away a month ago and i haven't cried a single time. And for Apis, I cant stop crying. All i wanted to do is to come back and just cuddle with his little paws and the kiss the pinkness that was his nose and look into those grass-green eyes. That would make me feel ok. That would make everything ok. I am so angry, i want to kill. I am so so angry and i don't understand the Fing meaning behind this event. Since everything happens for a reason please tell me the Fing reason for this bull... There is none. I dont  want all this trial. I had enough. I just want to seize to exist sometimes, like this fine Monday morning in this brand new year. As i said, my grandma died a month ago. My mind has a sick way of dealing with incredible sorrow and that way is to mute and repress any glimpse of pain, devastation, resentment that happens within the darkness of my soul when i experience extreme emotional pain. The unfortunate thing is that it happens for some time. 6 month, a year and then it ALL resurfaces in a form of a total breakdown. I dont know what is better, to suffer when it happens or to hold it all in, be strong, get through the motions and then experience this moment while walking down the street or getting groceries where all the incredible weight of the past crushes its oceanic waves onto your weak feminine shoulders. Well, my shoulders are rather broad for a girl, but you get the point. Right now i am so angry he died that i want to hurt things and people. Not animals. Animals are the purest form of love and devotion one can experience. That is why i ALWAYS prefer them to people. I should be a vet. A yogi vet. 

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