Monday, February 17, 2014

Conversation 16

Its been a while. I feel like an impostor in my own skin. I went to Joshua Tree this weekend and somewhere between starring into the depth of the night sky and bouldering sharp edges i felt like i was outside myself. I felt like I stepped out and had to look at what was happening to my body. I felt removed, from my soul, from the world, from all connection. Grounding and unraveling at the same time. Pulled apart atom by atom.

Listening to The National's "High Violet" is a form of meditation that pours out in tears. I feel like a fake with all the yoga inside and outside of me, but i feel like am not walking anywhere, like I am stuck, but i have to hit the ground running, but i just cant. Don't have it in me, afraid like a little rabbit, like a coward that i am. Stuck in a bucket of molasses, my feet tied together, my mouth shut, my eyes closed. I cant move and i have to. Like a bad dream. And all i want to do is crawl inside a shell like a snail and retrieve into the infinite green around me, so no one can find me. and no one can tell me what i am not. Brave, together, energetic, determined, tough, rational, wise, kind to myself, with a purpose. Pain, fear, again and again. enemies. I hate this weakness, i hate it. I want to kill it.

"Conversation 16"

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